205063

Joke of the Day

"My brother thought it'd be hilarious to replace all my Adderall with Viagra... which explains how I've been studying so hard."

"So I went to the bar one night... and.. Wait what happened at the bar last night anyway?"

"What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog"

"If this tweet gets 5 retweets, I will threaten a public official on Facebook."

"The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat"

"Hillary Clinton You're* Fired!"

"It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don't actually believe in fossils"

"There are two types of friends: Those that keep your car clean And Julian FUCKING JULIAN"

"""WATERMELON"" HAS 4 SYLLABLES. ""ILLUMINATI"" HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT'S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI."

"Graham has withdrawn from the Republican nomination race. Some people worry that he'll send his voters to Trump. All three of them."