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Joke of the Day
"If this tweet gets 5 retweets, I will threaten a public official on Facebook."
Next Joke
"One of these days the love of your life will walk right past you and you're gonna be staring at your phone posting a status about how lonely you feel."
"What do you call a fruit that isn't allowed to marry? A cantelope"
"[getting a massage] Me: I have tension in my lower back. *therapist begins* Me: Lower. Me: Lower. Th: But that's your a- Me: Lower!"
"""Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, yep, yep, uh huh, uh huh, ok, you too, bye"": Man side of every phone conversation with his wife."
"The whole purpose of travel is to return home and discover what your house actually smells like."
"Why wasn't Hitler invited to the BBQ? He always burns the franks."
"What do you get when you have a mothball in each hand? One happy big-assed moth!"
"Yesterday a bird crashed into my window... ..of course that's what I was willing it to do, so everything worked out great."
"Is no shave November just for men? Asking for my female Italian coworker and her mustache."