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Joke of the Day

"Don't bite the hand that feeds you. There's barely any meat on it. Go for the thighs."

"Who is Thor? A very worn-out thuper hero. (An excerpt from Brother Time and the Turtle: More Excuses for Jokes: http://amzn.com/B00BERRBI2)"

"I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I'm a writer. ""Oh yeah?"" he asks. ""Have you sold anything yet?"" I said, ""Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."""

"On your resume under skills it says pickpocket? Is that right? (interviewer looks up) (he is wearing only underwear and I'm gone)"

"I think I have procrastination disease. I'll go to the doctor later."

"What do you do if you're attacked by a bunch of Carnies? Go for the Jugular (juggler)!"

"What do you call people who use the pull out method as form of birth control? Parents."

"Celebrity Deaths would scare Stevie Wonder. But he would never see death coming."

"What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a toddler? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window."

"I successfully said ""Worcestershire sauce"" today!"