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Joke of the Day

"On your resume under skills it says pickpocket? Is that right? (interviewer looks up) (he is wearing only underwear and I'm gone)"

"How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb. Just 2 but makes you wonder how they got inside the bulb"

"She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly. He (sigh): Ok It's...your ""signature sex move"" She: Judgmental Corpse?"

"My girl stayed true and my dog didn't die, I'm sober ~no country song ever."

"Why are women terrible drivers? Because making sandwiches behind the wheel is a lot harder than making them in the kitchen."

"Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn't see himself in a mirror."

"If the Scottish started to colonize North America before the British... Could I say that the Scott Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock?"

"""It's good but it's not right."" Roy Walker having sex with a corpse."

"Money can buy happiness. Give me 100 million dollars and I'll prove it to you."

"Why did Marlin and Dory never date? Dory was played by Ellen Degeneres."