204631

Joke of the Day

"I wonder if I could save more than 15% on my car insurance if Geico wasn't paying for so many fucking commercials?"

"There are plenty of fish in the sea... ...but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod."

"Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of shredded cheese . . . so he can make America grate again."

"A man injures his hand and visits his doctor... ""Doc, will I be able to play the piano now?"" ""Of course! This won't stop a thing."" ""That's good, because I couldn't play worth a damn before!"""

"So Jared Fogle is heading to prison. I wonder if he'll go for a six inch or try the footlong?"

"Women are like modern art... They're hard to figure out, and we're not really sure if they even have a purpose."

"What's the difference between a smart midget... What's the difference between a smart midget and a woman with a venereal disease? Well, one's a cunning runt..."

"Since twitter, I don't go from home to car to work to car to home I go from charger to charger to charger to charger to charger"

"everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they're just ikea product names (they are)"

"(climbing out of my coffin) I'm sure you all have a lot of questions, but firstly the reason I faked my death is- [nobody is at my funeral]"