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Joke of the Day

"I don't drink so that I'm more fun to be around. I drink so that you're more fun to be around."

"I was going to join the debating team... ...but someone talked me out of it."

"MISSING: SUPER ADORABLE PUPPY. WILL COME IF YOU PLAY WU-TANG HELLA LOUD. THIS IS NOT A PLOY TO GET THE NEIGHBORHOOD BUMPIN', THE DOG IS REAL"

"Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000. That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes."

"Didja hear that Israel's Chief Rabbi has told Israeli LGBT's that they will no longer be allowed to speak Hebrew ... wait for it ... Yeah - they're gonna have to speak Shebru instead ..."

"I'm starting a mirror cleaning business. Its a job I can really see myself doing!!"

"Bring a Knife on a Date! When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date."

"I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate"

"On your own, it's just near impossible to scrub your own back which is why a shower wall made entirely of loofah would really come in handy."

"Oscar nominations are out. Let's experience actual emotion about multimillionaires giving each other gold"