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Joke of the Day

"If I see someone is too drunk I take their keys. Not for safety, they're probably blacked out and just won't remember I stole their car."

"Just write any numbers in the sudoku boxes. It doesn't matter. We're all gonna die."

"What's the difference between a Greyhound terminal and a lobster with a boob job? One's a crusty bus station."

"How do you pick up a feminist? Like a bowling ball."

"What do you call Whoopi Goldberg after sex? A Whoopi pie."

"Where do you find a turtle with no legs? Right where you left him."

"What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air ? A seahorse !"

"I would do unspeakable things for a sandwich right now, like actually get up & make one."

"Can't, busy teaching a toddler gang signs."

"Did you hear about the snarky prisoner who smarted off to the guard on the elevator? He was a condescending con, descending."