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Joke of the Day

"Hey single ladies, you want a boyfriend? Easy! Learn to shut the fuck up and dramatically lower your standards!"

"What do you call it when a Sith goes to a Galleria? Darth Mall."

"Breaking: Brad and Angelina have broken up. Thousands of kids homeless."

"What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A baboom!"

"[male bank teller gives my niece a sucker] Me: What do you say? Niece: My aunt's single, do you have money? Me: lol how embarrassing! Do u?"

"Why did the programmer get a job working with big data when his wife died? He just needed a little bit of Clojure."

"Worst things about mid 40's: 1. Catching a view of yourself naked in the mirror. 2. Crying too hard to complete this list."

"50 years from now...""Remember that time we were fighting the riot police and the National Guard ..."" ""...and your mommy shows up and kicks your ASS?"""

"I was told to put two planks together I totally nailed it."

"That ""dammit"" moment when you forget to take your phone to the toilet so you just sit there like ""Now what do I do...?"""