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Joke of the Day

"I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, ""WAIT, THERE'S DONUTS?"" and I say, ""Sorry, last one!"" and then eat it."

"Remember ladies. It goes from Twitter to Kik to Voxer to cell phone number to address to being dismembered in a motel bathtub."

"Before he was a footballer, Messi used to be a stand-up comedian He had to quit because his jokes kept flying over the audience's heads."

"What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died? ...nothing."

"I just established the five hour rule for tequila spilled on the floor."

"Drinking on Tuesday because I'm consistent."

"Why does Santa have a garden? So he can hoe-hoe-hoe! ^^^^^That's_a_knee_slapper..."

"I thought the stories I wrote were a little black-and-white, but my publisher seemed to like them. He said he wants some new ones."

"What's the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo? The attorney charges more."

"ME: Off to the concert with my friends WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me [later] ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting"