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Joke of the Day

"How do you give a quadriplegic a headache? Ask him to hold open the elevator door"

"Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes? Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue. Me: No wonder nobody's ever told you..."

"When I was asked what my five year plan is I responded... I couldn't tell you, I only have 2020 vision. pm me if you want my address to come murder me in my sleep for this."

"I wish I was just like my nose And all it takes is spicy food to get me to run."

"I've learned a lot about women. Ex: if you're going to the hospital for a gunshot wound & she asks for tampons, you'd better stop on the way"

"""I...I don't know, doc. I guess I'm just tired of being pushed around all the time."" -Revolving Doors"

"How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? **ONLY ONE** But the light bulb has to want to change."

"What kind of tea does an anarchist drink? Cheap generic iced tea. Because proper tea is theft."

"When someone gets playfully thrown into a swimming pool on TV, all I can do is worry if they have their cell phone in their pocket."

"I've never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it's like to be asked about things you never even heard of."