199522

Joke of the Day

"""Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?"" I asked. She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything."

"Did you hear about that celebrity who committed suicide? Reese whatsername? ""Witherspoon?"" ""No, with a knife!"" Only really works if you actually tell it to someone (and can maintain a good pokerface)"

"How do you unpoopify water? Boil the shit out of it."

"Relationship status: -Applies sunscreen to wall. -Rubs back on wall."

"I think I just figured out the name of the modern day Thieves Guild. EA"

"People with profile pictures of their kids. Stop it. All I can think is, why are these toddlers trying to add me on facebook?"

"My apathy is at an all time whatever."

"Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it ""inappropriate"""

"Hipsters probly don't eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore."

"A three legged dog walks into a bar.... And says, ""I'm looking for the man that shot my paw!"""