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Joke of the Day

"Nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket..., Thinks to herself. ""Well, some asshole's got my pen."" Another you say? What's the difference between rectal and oral thermometers. Taste."

"Using Twitter for business is like buying ad space over a urinal."

"Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease? A. Because they're all pigs."

"Was the principal's brother really a missionary? He certainly was. He gave the people of the Cannibal Islands their first taste of Christianity !"

"What does Santa listen to while delivering presents? sleigh-er"

"before you do a horrific crime, double check whether you could get the death penalty for it and if so whether you really want to do it"

"The other day my friend was telling me I didn't know what irony meant... Which is ironic because we were standing at a bus stop."

"So I was dating this girl with a lazy eye... It would have worked out, but I discovered she was seeing someone on the side"

"3yo: what are you eating? me: [mouthful of cookies] vegetables"

"You know what they say about assuming things... No I have no idea!! Did you assume I did?!"