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Joke of the Day

"The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin Mcallister because I'm always going home alone"

"[God Creating] Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes G: That sounds horrible L: People will love it G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders"

"My biggest fear is dying alone. Not really stoked to die with people either. You know, dying in general doesn't exactly sound like pancakes."

"If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she's told me I forgot..."

"Kids we are running late let's go! *Kids I'm going to count every stair on the way down with out my shoes on.*"

"Why was the ketchup in the refrigerator embarrassed? He saw the salad dressing."

"The Binding Of Isaac Movie Just imagine The Binding Of Isaac Movie. He will find a Brimstone, Spoon Bender and Holy Mantle . It will be a pretty short movie I guess."

"a man goes to the doctor... ""Whats wrong with me?"" ""You have to stop masturbating."" ""Why?"" ""So that I can examine you."""

"Why can't an IT guy be a doctor? Nurse: Doctor, the patient's life support is acting strange. . . Doctor: Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

"Cop failed me on the sobriety test even tho I not only touched my nose like he asked but went on & totally nailed the rest of the macarena."