193497

Joke of the Day

"Probably the most notable thing about being an adult is not knowing whether you're tired or sad."

"God must love stupid people. He made SO many."

"When someone is absolutely positively sure they're right about something is when I'm absolutely positve they're completely full of shit."

"Why can't the NSA leaker leave Russia? Because he's Snow'd-in!"

"Why is James Bond a terrible motivational speaker? Because the audiences are shaken, not stirred."

"kids r so cute!!! they dont wanna sleep becuase theyre afraid of having nightmares whereas adults cant wait to sleep so they can escape them"

"How is sleeping with a girl whose dad is in the other room the same as being kidnapped? Come quietly and nobody gets hurt."

"Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas. Him: I was gonna get lingerie. Me: Trust me. VS won't have your size. Him: Me: *jazz hands*"

"My self esteem flared up this morning. So I put on my bikini and checked my bank account. Ahhh... That's more like it."

"The jerk store called. Turns out they were just worried about me; hadn't seen me in a while. It was nice."