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Joke of the Day

"Can we speak to the Mayans and have the ending of the world earlier than planned? Preferably before the premier of the new Twilight movie."

"I dream of a world where even lactose is tolerated by everyone."

"I dreamt I was making a salad. I was tossing all night."

"TIFU: My wife told me she wants to get a tattoo on her lower back. I told her to get one of a beautiful young woman so I'd have something to fantasize about."

"I'm sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says ""oh great, dinner and a show."" Priceless."

"whenever u hear a creak at night, dont wory its nothimg scary! its just a reminder that somthing u think is solid like a house actualy moves"

"When's a door not a door? When it's ajar"

"A baby seal walks into a bar, bartender asks what he's having.. anything but Canadian Club"

"ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I'm gonna sting him BEE WIFE:Just leave it David"

"An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute. her mom says ""A WHAT""?!! The daughter says ""a prostitute"" then the mom says ""thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"""