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Joke of the Day

"That burrito didn't agree with me. And then I was like ""Why am I arguing with a burrito?!"""

"My therapist keeps telling me to stop dating women who believe in the healing powers of crystals and I'm all like, ""Nope."""

"I'm more emotionally invested in this sandwich than I am in most humans."

"ME: I wasn't invited to the party FRIEND: Yeah, people think you're melodramatic ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone"

"Some people say I am an evil person. But thats not true. I have the heart of a sweet young girl, in a jar under my bed."

"Three guys walk into a bar... You think the third guy would have learned to duck."

"Last winter we had really bad snow, I rung my boy for some weed and when he answered he said ""sorry bro I just can't deal with this weather"""

"Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean."

"Did you know that in Maine they will give you five-cents for a soda can, but they won't give you ANYTHING for a baby?"

"Sleeping with me is a lot like sleeping with a stuffed animal. But that's only after I've eaten Mexican food."