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Joke of the Day

"""I'm going to make a great mother one day"" I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out"

"My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips."

"Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard"

"Where does the Little Mermaid shop for her dinglehoppers? At the Hair Cutlery."

"Teacher and John Teacher: John. Give me a sentence beginning with ""I"". Paul: I is the... Teacher: No, John . You must say ""I am"" not ""I is."" John: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

"When people ask me ""Plz"" because it's shorter than ""Please"" I tell them ""No"" because it's shorter than ""Yes."""

"""God is dead, but like, dead in a fun way"" - Nietzsche trying to make a first date less awkward"

"List of food it's okay to eat with your hands: - corn on the cob - chicken wings - ribs - hamburgers - spaghetti at your in-laws"

"Doctor is rummaging through his bag looking for a pen... He pulls out a rectal thermometer instead, ""Ah goddammit some asshole has my pen!"""

"I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting. I often wonder what she's up to now."