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Joke of the Day

"My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips."

"Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do."

"The dog almost ate the bird tonight. It was like a Dateline episode. ""He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped."""

"Can't believe tomorrow is Take Your Alcohol to Work Day."

"Meanwhile in Soviet Russia... A bar walks into a horse."

"[Lie detector] ""You claim you can move an object by saying just one word. Is this true?"" - Yes *needle going nuts* ""I, sir, have been owned"""

"Are candles happy or sad when they are put out? They are delighted."

"I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time."

"Whenever I hear ""let me tell you the truth"", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say ""brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."""

"What did the suicide bomb instructor say to his class? Now pay attention, I'm only going to do this once?"