191948

Joke of the Day

"Me: Wow, you're glowing. Her: Aaaaww, thank you! Me: No, like radioactive... Her: . . . Me: Tone down the filters?"

"What hairstyle does Christopher Nolan get at the barber? A director's cut"

"McDonald's new Obama Value Meal is for freaks!!!"

"How to handle a one night stand the next morning 1. Put on Titanic 2. He's gone, that's it"

"Whenever I wear shorts it looks like I murdered a fat toddler and stole his pants."

"My wife asked me to go out and get something that makes her look pretty. So I went out and got drunk."

"Margaret Thatcher has only been in hell for half a day... ...but she's already sorted out Satan's budget deficit, busted up the demons' union and made Hitler cry during a debate."

"I have one alcoholic beverage and they call me an alcoholic But when I have a Fanta, no one calls me fantastic."

"Wife asks why I'm packing condoms Wife asks: ""Why are you packing condoms for a sailing trip with 10 guys?"" I'm saying ""Just in case."" Now I'm traveling with a bigger case."

"If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they're not talking to you anymore"