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Joke of the Day

"""Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!"" [cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]"

"The United States of America Yeah, That's it."

"I came up with a great joke about a boomerang but I forgot it. I'm sure it'll come back to me."

"What did the boy say after the tailor made fun of him for not wearing pants? Hey, why don't you cut me some slacks?"

"Funny Jokes testdfdfdfdfdfd"

"Mom: why are your eyes dilated Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love Mom: what were you looking at Me: memes"

"A doctor reaches in his jacket for a pen.... and pulls out a thermometer. ""Oh great, some asshole's got my pen!"""

"What Has 75 Balls and Screws Old Ladies? Bingo."

"(Dad joke warning) What was the almond tree doing all damn summer long? Nuttin'"

"[having daughter's new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner] so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*"