191311

Joke of the Day

"One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I'm what u would call a rebel."

"Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul Me: *thinks back to the time I ""experimented"" in college* I'll take 27 bottles please"

"It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim"

"Fish must be like super sad because it probably took a whole lot of tears to fill the whole ocean."

"A pothead, a rapist and a dog killer walk into a bar. The Steelers must be in town."

"[wearing World's Best Dad shirt] Wife: whys there blood on your shirt? Me: its not my blood Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt"

"People who shave their heads... I think people who shave their heads are really just saying, ""I want a bigger forehead."""

"I would pay 5$ to see my girlfriend naked on the street I don't have a girlfriend, 5$ would be a good bargain"

"My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets."

"What do you call a Mexican with no legs? Cuntswaylow."