190606

Joke of the Day

"I put the 'fun' in functional alcoholic."

"Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness? Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics Interviewer: Could you give me an example? Me: Yes I could"

"Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* ""sketchy"". Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out."

"Sometimes I open my mouth and a dad joke falls out and we both just need to walk away from that and remember better times ok"

"what do you call a turtle dressed as a guido a slowbro"

"Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, ""What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?"""

"extreme jesus died on the motocross"

"My girlfriend broke up with me today Now I guess I'm just somebody that she used to blow"

"I asked my doctor ""Just how bad is my halitosis?"" ""Pretty fucking bad,"" he replied, hanging up the phone."

"I have a really funny dick Girls laugh every time they see it."