190026

Joke of the Day

"If you don't eat your candy corn in three separate bites starting from the big yellow end to the small white end, you're a communist."

"*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder* ""Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it's done toasting?"""

"Have you ever seen those ""Give a penny, take a penny"" things at convenience stores??? that makes no cents"

"[REPOST] How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light-bulb? One. He stands in place while the whole world revolves around him."

"For once in my life, I'd just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank."

"I just ran out of tissues... Lately, it's been coming in handy"

"Why do cows wear bells? ...because their horns don't work."

"In the updated version of The Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis figures out he's dead when he sees his name trending on Twitter."

"How do you tell if somebody doesn't have a smartphone? Just wait, they'll tell you."

"Grammar tip Farther = physical distance Further = metaphorical distance Father = emotional distance"