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Joke of the Day

"When buying a new bed, don't be too quick to make a decision You've gotta sleep on it."

"What do you call a dog in a diving bell? A sub-woofer"

"""date night!"" = ""our relationship died a year ago!"""

"""Where is the remote?"" ""All the way over there."" ""Guess I'm watching this."""

"I named my penis the truth - Because women can't handle it."

"One ant was running across an unopened box of crackers and urging another to speed up. ""But why do we have to hurry?"" said one. ""Can you read you nut! It says Tear along the dotted line'""."

"When I was little, I didn't give a fuck about what to wear. My parents dressed me up. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it seems they didn't give a fuck either."

"Text: OMG! I can't believe you tweet such vile, offensive, filthy, sick things. You should be removed from society. GET HELP! Love Mom XO"

"[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex] Her: faster! faster! Me: oh god no"

"I await the announcement that Trump's running mate will be Charlie Sheen."