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Joke of the Day

"When do cops blow up and destroy shopping centers and Walmarts? During Black Friday."

"The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise. No, the other one. No, the other one. No, the"

"Get in on Syrian real estate now! The markets are exploding!"

"Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate the headphone jack."

"[doing an identification at the coroner's office] It's not her; my wife has a head."

"When I was little I didn't mind my mom feeding me, the only food I refused to allow her to feed me was Alpha-Bits... I just didn't want anyone putting words in my mouth..."

"*whispers to old lady at Starbucks* one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby"

"I like horror movies because it's the only place insanely hot people are treated poorly"

"Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa's ""push it"" and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy."

"Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder? A: You can't!"