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Joke of the Day

"What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."

"[Shark Tank] an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm Sounds dum- It's called the Alarmadillo OMG SOLD"

"Why come cats purr? It's your pussy's way of saying ""I love you."""

"During a prison break, I saw a midget climb the fence of the prison yard. As he jumped down, he sneered at me... I thought to myself, ""well, that was a little con-descending."""

"I was sitting on an automatic toilet yesterday and it flushed underneath me before I was done. Scared the shit outta me."

"What does pubic hair and celery have in common? Just move it to the side and keep eating."

"Check this one out: **1**"

"Honey, I have good news,and bad news Which one do you want to hear first? -Tell me the good news. -You' re gonna become an aunt."

"""Omg there's a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant""- no one, ever."

"Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn't work. Help forum: Should've had a better case. Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now."