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Joke of the Day

"So I got a vasectomy today... Doctor walks in and says: ""you're in good hands, I've altered more balls than Tom Brady"""

"Why did they have to stop playing water-polo in Poland? All the horses drowned"

"some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we're too far away to hear his answer]"

"Life is a lot like toilet paper. You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole."

"I like my Coffee, like my President. . . Black with some cream. But don't acknowledge the cream because it's so much more impressive to have it straight black."

"To all the people saying I have fat fingers... FYVK OFF"

"Today, I was beaten up by this woman ... I was in the elevator when this busty lady got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, ""Would you please press one."" So I did."

"If someone on your bus says ""my butthole is 28"", what do you think that means, exactly?"

"What time did the man go to the dentist Tooth hurt-y"

"The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but...they can't make a microwave that I can put metal in. Someone isn't trying."