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Joke of the Day

"(Halloween Party) Friend: What's your costume? Me: I'm dressed as ""A total disappointment"" Friend: But you always wear that Me: Yeah."

"Why did the dog sleep so poorly? By mistake he plugged his electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed all night!"

"want a smart girl, a nice girl, a romantic girl. But most importantly, I want these women to never meet."

"Old one but...A Priest, A rapist and a Pedophile walk into a bar... He orders a beer!"

"I finally got my TV show commissioned by the BBC. Its where we film inside the cockpit of an airplane. Were filming the pilot next week."

"How do you shut up a deaf person? Punch them in the hands."

"[Bags packed, leaving the ex] Ex:""I hope you have a slow and painful death!"" Me:""So now you want me to stay?"""

"Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you."

"To err is human To arrrgh is pirate"

"How can you tell if Hillary Clinton is lying? She's moving her lips."