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Joke of the Day

"A new study has shown banana skins contain traces of LSD... I guess that explains why people are always tripping on them"

"I heard Sylvia Brown died... Bet she didn't see that coming."

"I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon."

"Me: Ready for school? 7yo: [in only underwear with pants tied around his neck like a scarf & a sock on each hand] Almost"

"I need to thank the guy who honked while waiting for my parking spot for inspiring me to stay & write my memoirs in this Target parking lot."

"My Grandfather told me ""Your generation relies too much on technology."" Me: ""No your generation relies too much on technology."" I then pulled out his life support."

"Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: ""DON'T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!"""

"First date Her: So what do you do? Him: I'm currently trying to eliminate all cancers Her: Wow, impressive Him: Then I'll move on to Virgos"

"What's got four legs, is green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of tree it could kill you? A pool table."

"ur only a true 2012s kid if u remember kony"