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Joke of the Day

"What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!"

"Me: *Sweeping* Wife: Excuse me Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS Wife: ... Me: That's from lord of Wife: MOVE! Me: *Moves*"

"How do Religious Education teachers mark exams? With spirit levels."

"Hello?.... Steph? Man: Can I get Steph Curry's number? Operator: 1-800-war-rior Man: I tried that, but it didn't ring"

"Today should be called bridge day.. 'Cause I'm over it"

"Ya know, my dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records once... Wasn't for very long though. Librarian told me to put the book down and get the fuck out before she called the cops."

"Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker."

"Q: How many Taureans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: Taureans don't like to change anything."

"What did one asshole say to the other? I don't know, you haven't said anything yet"

"How did the badge get away with murder? He pinned it on someone else."