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Joke of the Day

"Therapist: Talk about your friends. Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine... T: That's a Billy Joel song. Me: You're no fun."

"What do I and Y2K have in common? Neither of us can get a date right ;_;"

"How do Jedi plan for retirement? With a Hoth IRA. I'll see myself out."

"""Sir you can't bring a whole cake into a movie theater"" ""What if I cut it in half?"""

"I met this 14 year old online, and she told me she is an undercover cop... How COOL is that for someone her age?"

"What's Captain America's shield made out of? What's Captain America's shield made of? Vibranium. What's Hawkeye's shield made of? Quicksilver."

"Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, 'Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?'"

"I don't believe Prince Andrew paid for an underage sex slave. That bastard's never paid for anything in his life."

"Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be 'Officer! That's him over there'... It gave me my sprinter's physique."

"Why don't black people get on cruise ships? They're not falling for that again."