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Joke of the Day

"Yahoo news reports that Johnny Manziel was forced to sit in the middle seat of an airliner. I guess they should have let him fly the plane."

"I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long."

"I used to live with a girl ...until she realized I was there"

"This silence is far from golden... which reminds me. I need to shower."

"Odd how all the intelligent life finding instruments' are pointed away from earth."

"When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn't because his heart is broken. It's because he can't cook."

"Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I'm sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese."

"Did you hear about the man who opened a yacht showroom? Sales went through the roof."

"I don't get sports lingo. It's always offsides this, penalty that, murder this, sexual assault that."

"You've gotta hand it to blind hookers."