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Joke of the Day

"""So I go east? Then west? Then back east?"" ~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership"

"This ice cream is legen - wait for it - DAIRY."

"First rule of thumb: Thumbs shouldn't have rules. That just makes no fucking sense."

"truth is, nobody can parkour better than squirrels.. nobody"

"We are gathered here today because SOMEBODY *glares at coffin* couldn't stay alive."

"My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs.. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber"

"Bill Clinton is so getting laid tonight. Hillary is in Indonesia."

"Why I Consider Myself A Jokester Jokes are much more acceptable in society than moles."

"Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment."

"What do you call a fat woman with a rape whistle? Optimistic"