184839

Joke of the Day

"""So I go east? Then west? Then back east?"" ~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership"

"I lost both of my arms today... its ok though. I've learned to embrace it"

"What do you call a cow that masturbates? Beef jerky."

"What's black and red, flashes like hell and annoys men? Live Jasmine"

"Rise and shine to all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, don't get greedy, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night."

"I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal. It's cheese, dude. We'll be here a while."

"Hair in bun=housework Hair in ponytail=oral sex Body language is important-So he doesn't get excited when I'm about to 2 scrub the toilet"

"Two pretzels were walking down the street... ...one was a salted."

"Did you hear about the magician that turned his family into a 3-piece suite but couldn't change them back? They were rushed to hospital where staff described them as ""comfortable""."

"I make bad jokes This is one of them."