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Joke of the Day

"Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman's brain is lighter than a man's. Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise."

"Our wedding pic looks like my wife's selfie photo bombed by me."

"Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it's true that zombies won't eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT."

"What's the difference between a goat and a ram? I don't goat my dick up a dead baby's ass."

"Pete Carrol has kidney stone complications. It should have been removed by surgery.... (wait for it).... But he decided to try to pass it."

"I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I'll be your baby's godmother."

"Excuse me - can you tell me the way to the Staten Island Ferry? Thpeaking."

"Where do most illegal immigrants go in America? Allah-bama."

"How does a black chick tell if she's pregnant? When she pulls the tampon out, all the cotton is already picked."

"Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I'm a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?"