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Joke of the Day

"[cuddling] her: what are you thinking about? me: these pretzels are making me thirsty"

"Romantic Remembrance by Valentine Card"

"Bought a new vacuum cleaner.. ..it sucks more than my old one"

"ELI5 What happens when a high school calls in a replacement teacher for a subject they know nothing about? Ooops... wrong sub."

"I was drinking a margarita at the bar.... And a woman screamed ""Does anyone know CPR?!"" I replied that i knew the whole alphabet, we laughed and laughed.....well except for one guy."

"What's the difference between toilet paper and shower curtains? If you answered ""I don't know."" I would like to tell you that I spent all day cleaning that mess up."

"I can't wait till next years veterans day: for the ones that didn't get captured...."

"Why do skeletons not go to the disco? Because they got no body to dance with!"

"My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there's lunch brought in by reps"

"I never feel entirely comfortable leaving a music gig... It's disconcerting."