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Joke of the Day

"I was drinking a margarita at the bar.... And a woman screamed ""Does anyone know CPR?!"" I replied that i knew the whole alphabet, we laughed and laughed.....well except for one guy."

"Before snapping your neck, Chuck Norris will tell you the best shampoo you should have used."

"""Wanna pop a xanax in the Civic and kayak with mom and dad at noon?"" ""Can't. Scared."" ""Of the water?"" ""No. Palindromes."""

"I don't know why people are surprised when I tell them my Grandfather Made it out of Auschwitz. Most of the German officers did."

"12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you're handsome. Me: Aww. That's cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?"

"Who did Chris Brown mistook Rihanna for? Britney Spears"

"Girl, are you some good weed? because you smell dank."

"If you ever come across a fork in the road Pick it up"

"Why was the little strawberry sad? He found out his parents were in a jam"

"What does Colonel Mustard's Mexican maid call him? *(Phonetically-ish)* Mis'ser Dijon."