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Joke of the Day

"ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don't fly. PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance* ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen."

"Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He's a sneaky bastard."

"People say I am condescending. THAT MEANS I TALK DOWN TO PEOPLE."

"Me: What's your strongest weakness? Candidate: ... *Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up M: It's a trick question. You're hired!"

"When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I'd make a terrible midwife."

"I caught my SO putting plastic utensils in the waffle iron. I yelled,""What are you doing?! That will ruin it!"" She replies,""Yesterday you told me to lego your eggos. Make up your mind already!"""

"An Imperial Roman soldier was wounded on the battlefield. His life was saved when he was time traveled to the modern world to be hooked up to an IV. He asked, ""What is that for?"""

"What do you get when you cross a bunny with an orange? A pip squeak."

"What happens when you give Donald Trump Viagra? He gets taller."

"A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day. 'Well' said the Scout. 'Mum had only one dose of castor oil left so I let my baby brother have it.'"