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Joke of the Day

"""Yes, I'm still single and underemployed, but at least I'm not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON"" --women at family holiday gatherings from now on"

"[1st date] Waiter: Can I get you a drink ma'am ? Me: Wow really bro right in front of me?"

"This guy at the bar wouldn't shut up about how Zombies ""could be real"" So I killed him... If he comes back...He wins the argument"

"Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It's pretty solid."

"What percentage of Scottish people are twats? 55.3%"

"I'm going to start a band called Control Z We will play our songs, but start over half way through it."

"Girls of Reddit what do you like in a man Lol we all know girls don't do the ""Internet""."

"Black people are way more susceptible to diabetes. That's not racist, it's a medical fact. Now if I said ""hide your wallets, there's diabetes patients around here,"" that would be racist."

"When my mom first saw my Facebook she was offended it said I was ""interested in men"" I think because she thought that was a list of hobbies"

"How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries."