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Joke of the Day

"""Yes, I'm still single and underemployed, but at least I'm not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON"" --women at family holiday gatherings from now on"

"If you catch Chuck Norris sleeping he will grant you one wish.... if your wish is dying."

"Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means? Father: It means 'to be happy'. Son: Are you gay? Father: No, son. I have a wife."

"[God & his assistant making giraffes] ASST: Say ""when"" once the neck is long enough, k? *God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*"

"I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can't help eating it."

"Always ask ""are you voting for Sanders?"" before sex. If they say ""yes"" you know they are too young."

"When you go toe to toe with a Vietnamese Mexican... You either nguyen or you luz."

"Did you hear the one about the Seahawk who wouldn't stop talking? He kept beating a dead horse."

"What do you call a gorilla that's hair is two different colors? Harambre"

"Why did the Redditors like when a tornado hit a fence? There was a lot of reposting to do"