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Joke of the Day
"People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese."
Next Joke
"I understand that your heart is in the right place. Unfortunately, your head is up your ass, and I ain't goin in after it."
"""Screw you, my face doesn't look like that at all"" - an actual duck."
"My track record as an adult is mostly false starts, hurdles and running around in a circle."
"If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you're a wizard."
"Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor."
"Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is this a trick question?"
"[flying remote control helicopter near my wife] GET THAT THING AWAY FROM MY- [helicopter gets tangled in her hair & now I'm a dead person]"
"[skydiving with my dog] Me: ur ears r inside out My dog: can't hear u my ears r inside out Me: it's the wind My dog: I think it's the wind"
"No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat."