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Joke of the Day

"I've never skydived but I've checked Twitter on my phone while standing over a toilet. So, I get the gist."

"Apparently if someone has a seizure in the bathtub, its in bad taste to throw your laundry in .. yep. Going to hell right here."

"eer booze and fun!' 'Where do Martians drink beer ? At a mars bar !"

"What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?"

"At the end of your life, you should get a rebate for however much time you spent learning cursive."

"What do Eskimos and Tupperware have in common? They both like a tight seal!"

"Free air! (Help yourself.)"

"Shit. I was late for my time management class."

"My girlfriend's not pregnant! Edit: I have to apologize... the pregnancy test came back false *negative*... she is pregnant."

"If your girl tells you ""Deeper!"" and that's all you got, just start reading poetry."