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Joke of the Day
"When someone farts... Guy 1: What'd that asshole say? Guy 2: Just talking shit."
Next Joke
"Where did the team get there uniforms? New Jersey"
"An old lady at the gym told me her dad married her mom because she could catch chickens.... Pretty sure she had a pretty firm grip on something else too...."
"Life hack for driving Always get your driver's license picture taken when your stoned. That way, the police will think you always look that way."
"Would Orlando Bloom? No, but Elijah Wood."
"2 men are in the bathroom. One is seen running in, the other leaving. What are their nationalities? Russian and Finnish!"
"If you had to choose between having a love life, or a lifetime supply of pudding: How much chocolate pudding would you eat that first day?"
"3yo: I don't want a walk Me: Come on, it'll be fun braving the elements [An hour later] 3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?"
"Some girls look like they've barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that's been doused by a fire hose."
"'What just cracked?' A guide to aging."