180106

Joke of the Day

"M: Are you gonna eat that baby? Lady: What!!?! Go away you Sick-O' M: Sorry! I saw you putting it on Instagram & figured.. Never mind."

"What do you get your girlfriend for Valentines Day? A box of chocolate, flowers and a dildo. So if she doesn't like the chocolate and flowers she can go fuck herself."

"Why can't Irish people become lawyers? Because of their inability to pass the bar! Credit to my dad for this one"

"Sorry I faked a seizure at your party but my phone's battery dropped to 10%, you wouldn't stop talking and I had to go so I could charge it."

"Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September."

"What do we want? Race car noises! When do we want them? Neeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwwwwww"

"My sister had a baby today. I think I've used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has."

"What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband before she left her house to board the Challenger space shuttle? ""You feed the dogs, and I'll feed the fish."""

"Which scientist invented the nuclear powered floor cleaner? J. Robert Moppenheimer"

"I hit the gym today... Now the gym's filing for divorce and I'm loosing custody of my children"