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Joke of the Day

"I asked a gym instructor to teach me how to do the splits ... He said, ''How flexible are you''? I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays''."

"Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours, so they called it a day. I'm sorry. Edit: FFS guys it's a ruddy joke. It doesn't have to be scientifically accurate"

"How may tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh? Tentacles!"

"Enjoying Life There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my wife when she has the hiccups. I wish I could wake up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis."

"I call my penis Oscar Pistorius. It only goes inside for a disappointingly short period of time."

"Sure, I'll help you find those paper cuts. -Purell"

"Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers. Me: *does ""the divorce papers"" in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY"

"Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything"

"What do you call an Irishman sitting on your front porch? Paddy O'Furniture"

"Apparently for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents. That's not fair. Why is the man only left with 30? Credit to Bo Burnham."