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Joke of the Day

"Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers. Me: *does ""the divorce papers"" in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY"

"Why should you never watch a video with a Chihuahua? It always plays with the ""paws"" button on the VCR."

"We need a channel that plays kitten videos. All kittens, all the time. When shit gets intense, turn on the kittens. #kittenchannel"

"Let's get naughty and save Santa the trip."

"Just ran outside in a t shirt & panties to save a bird from my cat's mouth. My kid thinks I'm a hero. My neighbor wants to have drinks later"

"What's the difference between a priest and acne? Acne waits till puberty to come all over a kid's face."

"What's a homophobe's favorite drink? fruit punch"

"Dr: do you have kids? me: yes I have 3 kids Dr: do you drink? me: yes I have 3 kids"

"You guys need to leave pedophiles alone! They're just kidding around."

"What do we want? Doppler effect! When do we want it? nooaaaaAAAwwww!"