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Joke of the Day

"Why do farmers put bells on cows? Because their horns dont work!"

"Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line, I don't understand."

"What is green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree might kill you? A pool table."

"I hope no one I know ever has an emergency that they can't text me about. Because, answering my phone? No thanks."

"I hate it when people say I'm sexist. How can I be sexist when I'm half female on my mother's side?"

"Intensive care toddler One of the toddlers on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey. ICU baby, shaking that ass..."

"""No, you hang up"" No, you hang up. ""No, you hang up"" No, you hang up. ""No you hang up"" *slams phone* Why do I keep calling that parrot?!"

"Ever have sex while camping? It's fucking in tents!"

"[iphone vibrates] 3yo: daddy someone is texting you [landline phone rings] 3yo: what is that sound?"

"The reality is men have no idea what women want... and women have no idea what women want"