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Joke of the Day

"*puts on satin, full length pajamas for men, slips into bed* yes... time to text some girls the word 'hey' and only the word 'hey'"

"My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!"

"9/10 dentists recommend good dental hygiene... The other dentist is from England."

"There are two boats (tankers) about to collide at sea. One is filled with purple paint, the other with red paint. They collide... All the survivors were marooned."

"im a proud member of an elitist clique which spawned from the entenmann's bakery product support forums back in the early '00s"

"A senior partner with a herniated disc limps into a conference room Coworker 1: ""I feel like the world's moving in slow motion"" (pause) Coworker 1: ""Oh wait, it's just Charlie"" (motions at partner)"

"""The floor is lava"" -Everyone, Pompeii, 79 A.D."

"What's the difference between a slave owner and Bernie Sanders The slave owner's Dick works Note: The slave owner has a slave named Dick"

"When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandpa. Not screaming in terror like all of those people in his car."

"I met Cosby once and I remember him being just a wonderful person. I don't remember much after that."