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Joke of the Day

"I like to go on OK Cupid and find the worst possible matches for myself and message them being like ""We can make this work."""

"How is cunnilingus like riding a bike with an open face helmet? It's a lot of fun as long as you don't end up with bugs in your teeth."

"I was working at the butchers yesterday and a man comes in looking for a small chicken. I asked him to describe it so we can look for it together."

"Happy Mothers Day to all of the moms out there! Scared you didn't I?"

"Autocorrect is like my girlfriend. It always changes what I said to something I didn't mean."

"I love to watch the look of panic on my husband's face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, ""um, these aren't mine."""

"My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it's my husband."

"Congratulations to Charlie Hedbo for selling 3 million issues this week. I guess cartoons featuring Mohammed can be quite prophetable."

"What does your mom and a 4-stroke engine have in common? They're both usually busy doing one of the following: sucking, squeezing, banging, blowing."

"Serious question: If you walked into a store and saw an alien holding a bag of 12 butterflies would you play it cool or leave?"