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Joke of the Day

"Government Shutdown: Day 4 3am: Monkey House, National Zoo A door crashes open. A triumphant screech. Ben Stiller escapes into the night."

"3YO: ""How do babies get out of bellies?"" ME: ""Look! Ice cream!"" *5 min later* 3YO [COVERED IN ICE CREAM]: ""How do babies get out of be---"""

"VIAGRA: It won't make you James Bond... But it will make you Roger Moore."

"What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens? The Bawking Dead"

"I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate."

"Jesus wasn't angry at the soldiers who crucifixed him He was just crossed."

"A baby seal walked into a club ba dum tss"

"Q: When driving through fog what should you use? A: Your car."

"I'll never have the conviction of a jogger who runs in place while waiting for the red light to turn."

"I only date Patriots fans Because they don't care if I cheat"