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Joke of the Day

"Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent Is a driver's Ed instructor"

"Wife: Have you seen my stilettos? Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No"

"How many vampires does it take to open the Curtain on Daylight? Just one with depression."

"We've heard that ignorance of maths is growing geometrically, whatever that means."

"I only do cocaine with the flexible straws. So I can reach my dashboard while i'm driving."

"Who's the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?"

"How did the Sex Ed teacher explain buttsex to her students? She used an analogy"

"If the pensieve from Harry Potter could think... It would be thoughtful."

"I like turntablism. Some of the samples really speak to me."

"Cute girl: omg I love this bread [At the next table] Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body"