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Joke of the Day

"People that are into beastieality. Are fucking animals."

"I should buy a 26.2 sticker! for my nose..."

"Guy tip: If your girlfriend has a really annoying friend, don't tell her how bothersome she is or to stop being friends with her. Just casually mention how attractive she is."

"Q: Why did the dog cross the road? - A: Because it was the chickens day off."

"Eight glasses of water a day? Nope. I do a minimum of sixteen. Keeps you looking young. Take me for example. I was born in 1926."

"Don't even talk to me about how badass you are until you've seen how many ketchup packets i've stolen over the years"

"Hiding my rewards card in the bushes by my coffee shop so I don't have to keep freakin' remembering to bring it"

"What's the difference between jelly and jam you cant jelly yo dick in a bitch's ass"

"Why did the Hydroxyl molecule blow up the US Mint? It was a Free Radical."

"This summer, while visiting Europe, I had a blast in Florence. She seemed to enjoy herself too."